Rabbi Wes Kalmar traveled to Israel in February with a small group of rabbis from the Rabbinical Council of America, a 1,000-member rabbinic organization. The purpose of the mission was to try to bring some comfort to people in Israel who have gone through suffering. A version of this article originally appeared in a mass email from Congregation Anshe Sfard Kehillat Torah in Glendale, where Kalmar is spiritual leader.
On a Wednesday morning, first thing we headed for Charish, which is 15 miles east of Caesarea. There we met with Ohad Lapidot, whose daughter, Tiferet Lapidot, age 23, was killed at the Nova Festival.
We met in the Lapidot’s family room, with an etrog tree full of beautiful etrogim growing right outside, and a table full of bourekas, cakes, and spring nectars set out for the rabbis. It was surreal. Sarit Lapidot, Tiferet’s mom, was not there because she was giving a presentation at Bar Ilan University. Ohad, a soft-spoken Israeli who was born in Canada to Israeli shlichim, chatted with us at the table before he turned on the projector and began to tell us about Tiferet, whom he called Tiffy.
There is a phenomenon in Israel of young people from ‘dati’ (religious) families for whom the pressure of the Israeli religious world becomes too much. They are called ‘chozer bi’shealah’ (a return to questioning), a newish term which is taken from the phrase for those who move in the other direction ‘chozer biteshuvah’ (those who return to repentance, or return to religious observance.) Many of these young people find themselves traveling far from Israel, to Southeast Asia or other places after their army service. Often, they are involving themselves in connecting to nature and working the land. Tiferet worked with at-risk youth in Israel during her two years of national service, before travelling to South Africa to work as an English teacher. Tiffy was living and working on a farm in the Outback in Australia.
Ohad and Sarit are dati Jews; Ohad told us that he was a “chozer biteshuva.” On the morning of Oct. 7, their home phone rang. They did not pick it up. It was Shabbat. The phone rang a second time. Sarit said, “Who would call us on Shabbat if it was not an emergency?” and picked up the phone. It was Tiferet. She had come home from Australia and was planning on returning there in the near future. She called to tell them what was happening at the Nova festival and that she was hiding in the bushes with a friend. But her cell phone was running out of charge so she couldn’t speak for long. Then, they lost contact with her. The family did not know what happened to her until Oct. 17. They thought she was taken as a hostage as the last place her cell phone was tracked to was in Gaza. For 11 long days, they frantically tried to get any news about their daughter.
Ohad talked about what a warm hug he got from Canada, his birthplace. Out of the blue a Canadian politician called the family during those first few days, to say that Canada was recognizing Tiferet as a Canadian citizen for whom they would fight and hold Hamas accountable. The politician admitted that he was really doing this because five of Canada’s biggest rabbis had put pressure on the government to include Tiferet in their list and their efforts. Ohad told us how much that meant to them in those days. He told us that he later went to visit Canada because he felt the need to go and say thank you in person to those who had fought for Tiffy.
There are so many levels of sadness and loss in this story. Ohad talks about the struggles and difficulties that they had as a family to deal with the fact that Tiferet’s path religiously would diverge from that of her parents and family. Ohad talks about learning to love unconditionally and to accept Tiffy’s journey and path. They knew she was going to the Nova festival on Shabbat and the holiday; that that was where she wanted to be.
A tragic part of the story is that Tiferet was there with two friends. At some point she and the one friend got out from where they were hiding and ran to his car. They were about to leave, but Tiferet realized that her other friend was left all alone, and Tiferet decided to go back for her. The friend in the car managed to get out and to survive. Tiferet and the friend she went back for did not. Her parents are very proud of her that she went back for her friend. But how painful it is to think that she could have made it out. At this point in his story, Ohad pointed up and said: “Hakodosh baruch hu (i.e., God) is in charge.”
There are no words. What I saw time and time again on this trip was that we can’t begin to understand what people went through until we sit in their living rooms and hear them tell us their stories.
Ohad had a lot to share about Tiffy. The second of seven children, Tiffy had some challenges with organized religion, but she was very spiritual. She spoke often about her soul.
Ohad shared some of the WhatsApp messages that Tiffy had written to him:
“Sometimes I don’t know or I can’t imagine the rest of my life. And it’s been very strong for me in the past year. I still don’t know what it’s going to be like but I know I love Hashem and it’s because of the fact that he gave my soul a father like you.”
Ohad showed us a clip of Tiffy singing the song Kah Echsof by R. Aharon of Karlin with a bunch of other wandering Israelis in India as they prepared Challot for Shabbat. The song speaks of the holiness and sweetness of Shabbat and how the soul connects with God on Shabbat and the thirsting for Holiness and connection.
Ohad wants us to remember his daughter. To share her message. All the rabbis gave him hugs, telling him that our hugs come from our entire community. We promised to share Tiferet with our communities. I do that here. May her memory be a blessing. Amen.
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